Funny Status Messages

   Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.

   Sorry I yelled "Finish Him" at your wedding last Saturday

   Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.

   Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil??

   Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.

   Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones

   I've been avoiding exercise for a long time now. You might say I'm in the Fitness Protection Program.

   If you drive a Tesla and it gets stolen, is it now an Edison?

   I took a knee today. My shoe was untied. It wasn't a statement. Just wanted to let everyone to know.

   Someone just told me to take it one day at a time. I wish I had known there was another option.

   When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn't practice enough.

   Well, I guess we are going to see "The Nutcracker" on Saturday! My mother-in-law, not the play.......

   Strippers always say they’re just trying to feed their kids, but get super pissed when you throw cans of green beans & KFC coupons at them.

   Devil worshipers crack me up. Why would you worship a diety that lost a fiddle contest to some Georgia hillbilly?

   Thx for thinking of me Amazon, but I really only needed that one washing machine part, not one every time I log in...

   My anxiety has canceled more plans than bad weather.

   The biggest problem with eating healthy is that I don’t wanna do that.

   When I was a kid, selfies used to be called narcissism.

   Sorry for writing "Everyone makes mistakes" in your wedding guestbook.

   Sorry I’m late, I was busy proving my existence to an automatic faucet again.