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Strippers always say they’re just trying to feed their kids, but get super pissed when you throw cans of green beans & KFC coupons at them. 
Devil worshipers crack me up. Why would you worship a diety that lost a fiddle contest to some Georgia hillbilly?
Thx for thinking of me Amazon, but I really only needed that one washing machine part, not one every time I log in...
My anxiety has canceled more plans than bad weather.
The biggest problem with eating healthy is that I don’t wanna do that.
When I was a kid, selfies used to be called narcissism.
Sorry for writing "Everyone makes mistakes" in your wedding guestbook.
Sorry I’m late, I was busy proving my existence to an automatic faucet again.
They need to make realistic commercials for beds & mattresses. They always show a couple, never a guy with a dog asleep on his chest.
Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my life?
It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore. Just bought a TV and it said 'Built in Antenna." I don't even know where that is.
my great great grandfather: I cleared 40 acres by hand and grew food to feed people. My father: I fought WWII and ended the horror. Me: I think $9.99/month might be too much for Spotify.
Justin Bieber getting tats is like putting racing stripes on a moped.
Question for the 84 year old widow who just won the Mega Millions jackpot: Sup, girl?
I've gotten to the age where if I see a coin lying on the ground I figure anything less that a quarter isn't worth the aches and pains of leaning over to pick it up.
30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he's adopted.
Today my yoga teacher was really drunk, which put me in an awkward position.
I think my dog needs training school because he rudely yawned in the middle of my stories.
I'm still young at heart. The problem is, the rest of me is old.
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic's, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs. 