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The barman says "we don't serve time travellers in here". A time traveller walks into a bar. 
At the mall this weekend.... The angry parents screaming for their son "Marco!!!" did not find it amusing when I kept yelling "POLO!!!" back at them from my dressing room.
I have taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me...send money.
Of course money buys happiness! You ever seen a homeless person skip?
Fell out of the boat today after watching shark week........ I swam like a two legged deer
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.
My new hobby is Ice Sculpting... yesterday I made a cube
I don't smoke pot. But hang with people who do. They have great snack ideas, and if you're broke, it is a good group to hang out with for a free meal. If all they're stoned, just start talking about pizza, or fried chicken. Snack time!
I thought I had an STD but the doctor said it was just rust.
There would be a lot less litter in the world if we just sharpened the walking sticks for the blind.
It takes a big man to cry, it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man
Typical Saturday Morning: Who's bed is this and where are my pants?
If you hit your girlfriend's best friend with a car, apparently, "I banged your best friend" is the wrong way to inform her.
I just realized I can make 50 funny faces at my boss in less than 30 seconds while the elevator door closes. Anyway, got fired.
Police call it "reckless driving", we call it "skills
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
I haven't had sex my wife in a year and she's 6 weeks pregnant. Take that people that don't believe in miracles.
Breaking news: future editions of Monopoly will feature interchangable spaces for what are now Income Tax and Luxury Tax. Players will have the option to choose from the words "Tax," "Penalty," or "Fine," because, clearly, words no longer have meanings
The things I've seen while hiding in someone's closet are shocking sometimes... there are some sick people out there.
When I'm a millionare, I'm hiring someone whose only job is to stand at the top of a stairwell and high-five me when I get to the top. 