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likes RICE! It's great when you're really hungry and want 2000 of something! 
enjoys breaking chain e-mails. His luck has remained good and none of his parts have fallen off.
thought I'd come across a mass grave of about 1,000 snowmen yesterday. Turns out it was just a field of carrots
after picking up and bringing home literally hundreds of women at bars over the years, I can tell you this: I'll never drive a cab again."
My coworkers are exceptionally dedicated. You should see how far they'll go to annoy me
Can you call the Geek Squad if you just want to give someone a wedgie?
Look out Mr. Boss Man, I had a Barney, two Wilma's and a Deeno before I came in so, let's get this show on the road, buddy-boy
Police and doctors are fun to watch on TV. Just look at all the shows. In reality, its not as fun when they all watch you. You either done something wrong or something wrong has been done to you.
Had a weird dream last night where people actually wanted to hear about other people's dreams.
says "The key to my heart are attached to that knife sticking out of my back."
Big... Powerful... Makes the ladies scream... Lasts for an hour. No wonder women love Oprah so much.
wishes the world was her own personal globe, one good spin and "certain people" would fall off!!!
•You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children.
just got a letter from The Man in Red "You have been placed on the naughty list....permanently" I can't say this was unexpected.
Ignorance is not bliss. It's just a fancy word for stupid.
Words. They can arouse. They can make you laugh, and make you cry. But if you find the one who can heal you with words, never let them go.
28. They have changed the “Cookie Monster” into the “Veggie Monster” and still let Oscar live in a freakin' trashcan. Moral of the story kids, you can't eat cookies anymore-but because of this go live in a trash can and bitch at anyone coming
Millions of anchovies floating in a bay in California? That's going to drive gas prices up.
Learned that smiling suppresses the gag reflex...and some people wonder why I smile so much around them! 