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I feel sorry for the last man on earth. A lot of women really hate that guy. 
Justin Bieber is coming out with an 'Unplugged album'? I hope it's the microphone that they unplug.
I fell asleep reading my hard copy of "A Christmas Carol". The book slid off my lap and landed square on my big toe! Man, that hurt like the dickens.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Who else has been drunk the entire month of Mapril?
All our dogs think we are staying home every day just for them and all of our cats are thinking we got fired from our jobs because we are the losers they always knew we were
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Just saw a fat dude lick pizza grease off his shirt so that's the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
News flash for Jack and Jill: You don't go uphill to find water.
I don't care about a politician's tax returns. I want to see their IQ test results.
I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she fell asleep.
Recently I've been reading the book of Jeremiah, because not only was he a bullfrog, he was a good friend of mine as well.
I've decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing. I really think it will spice up my autobiography.
Why are all the good open-minded liberals moving to Canada? What's wrong with Mexico? If we look at the map, it appears Mexico is about the same distance from the U.S. as Canada. So what's up?
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
Why don't keyboards have a ".com" key on them now? Come on nerds!
I wonder if China was clever enough to make the Mongolians pay for their wall?
I think I'm going to buy one of those new 3D printers. Then I'll use it to print another 3D printer and then return the original printer to get my money back.
I don't drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
For those of you who don't have a significant other to spend Valentine's Day with, kindly resist the temptation to brag about it. 