Funny Status Messages

   What this country needs is more unemployed politicians....

   Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.

   "Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid. "Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.

   Go to O'Reilly Auto Parts website and type, '121G' in the search bar. You will thank me later.

   If you want to capture someone’s attention, whisper ~ Creepy Joe

   I’d rather see a woman who smoked a joint represent the USA in the Olympics than one who turns her back on the flag. I said what I said.

   Unless you woke up inside a live shark, I don't want to hear about your weekend.

   How come today is Monday when yesterday was only Friday??

   Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.

   Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed

   A cop pulled me over and was going to give me a ticket for talking on the phone and driving. I told him he couldn't do that because it was my wife and I was just listening.

   Sure,, Sure,, I could kill you with kindness,, but let’s see what else is just lying around I can use first.

   Ask your Dr. if you're healthy enough for sex and if that goes well, ask them if they're seeing anyone.

   I can’t wait for the day when all the DJ Khaled fans turn 30 years old. Music today absolutely blows and he’s the leader. Just because you can push a button and yell a random phrase like “go n get it” does not make you an artist.

   At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking.

   Good thing it's Valentines day, cause I woke up with a massive heart on!

   In China, forklifts are called chop-stick lifts.

   Biden created the most heavily armed terrorist nation in history.

   wondering what Captain Hook's name was before he lost his hand.

   Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that's what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)