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A blizzard in January, and a tornado in February. I didn't realize how bi polar mother nature really is. 
Whenever I meet an honor student I tell them about their mom's bad driving.
Some of us have to learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Ladies, you need to quit tanning so much! No guy wants to date a woman who can strike a match on her face to smoke a cigarette after sex...
(sigh) women
You're like a cloud: once you f*ck off,it's a nice day.
It's too bad you don't get any sexual satisfaction out of being screwed over all the time. I would be set for life!!!
In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends…it's not rocket science.
I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case.
With the rise in social networking which we all enjoy, there is a crucial need for someone to invent and standardise a sarcasm font.
My brain is giving me the silent treatment.
I am pretty sure that J.Lo plus butter equals Snookie
Every time I see that one mattress commercial that attempts to gross you out by saying your mattress doubles in weight after 8 years due to dust mites, sweat and dead skin. I always think to myself, why leave out the big contributing factor? Happy Endings
I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes... Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it -- like the fact that smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging.
I'm only on here for entertainment. Please don't try and make me learn anything.
According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the top three paying jobs for women are pharmacist, chief executive, and Tiger Woods wife.
To prevent injuring your thumb while hammering,have your wife hold the nails.
In Dog Beers, I only plan on having 1 tonight
I should have guessed that huge red toy on the wall at the sex shop was too good to be true! Oh well. I might be $50 shorter but I now have a fire extinguisher for the home! 