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Say what you will about BP, they sure discovered a lot of freaking oil down there. 
playing 'call of duty' on my laptop on the plane was a bad idea
I wonder if off-duty cops slow down when they see a cop car.
There's an "Extreme Heat Advisory" in my city today. Thank goodness for that. Otherwise, I might not have realized it's hot as Satan's balls out within one second of walking outside.
I'm at that very brief period of drunk right now where I love my life and everybody in it.
if you get your information from Oprah, don't talk to me
come to the conclusion, after visiting her grandparents, that she is moving into a retirement home.. they have chairs in the shower and the toilets have arm rests!!! Can anyone say..SWEET!!!
just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand.
I think I could start a pretty successful company that makes nothing but excuses.
These internet scams must make it difficult for legitimate Nigerian royalty to share huge sums of money with strangers...
guys can go 5 years without seeing eachother and reunite with a handshake and small talk...girls can't go 5 minutes without seeing eachother and reuinite with screaming, jumping around, and hugs...
9 1/2 months from now there are gonna be a lot of babies born...suckers.
embarrassed the world didn't end today. Now I'm awkwardly sitting at my desk without pants...
we only have 1 day left to make kony 2012 happen
I hate it when I'm being taken seriously at the wrong time.
I've stocked up on extra batteries for valentines day.
If you see a white guy in a sombrero passed out in the gutter today please make sure I still have a pulse.
It's fun to go up to a dude with a teardrop tattoo and call him a crybaby.
I disagree, but I respect your right to be stupid.!
If at first you don't succeed, lie and say you did. 