Funny Status Messages

   I’m going to the corn maze today to see if I can find the kid I lost in there last October.

   Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

   Life is like a helicopter... I don't know how to operate a helicopter.

   I'm beginning to believe whoever said "Hindsight is 2020" was sending a message to the future we all misunderstood.

   We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated. Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

   2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

   if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

   Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

   If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

   I'm at that age and wisdom where I no longer get up to investigate strange noises. Nope! I've seen that movie.

   Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

   Thanks to the Super Bowl, I use Roman Numeral's at least once a year. Still more than I use algebra.

   Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but most of you here, just gargled.

   I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

   All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.

   I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China

   I didn't make any new resolutions this year because I'm still working on the ones from 2007.

   Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

   What this country needs is more unemployed politicians....

   Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.