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If a lawyer and your mother-in-law were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go watch TV or just have a drink? 
"For the last time woman, it's an ACTION figure!!!"
My cats think I'm the best cook.
"As an alternative to dieting, I'm going to simply refer to myself as "value-sized"."
I don't understand why you can lead a horse to water but you can't make a teenager do the dishes.
I might be a 3XL at the mall, but I'm only a petite at "The Big and Tall Store"
I am pretty sure some girls just have babies so they can put it on their Facebook pages.
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans "Free nights and weekends"
A childhood of Disney movies has left me sorely disappointed in the lack of spontaneous musical numbers in my life...
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should've listened the first time
Great news for BlackBerry users: a solution has been emailed to you.
The hardest part of growing old is watching my kids grow old...
It's a lot easier to get over someone when you realize that you shouldn't have been underneath them in the first place.
Boys make excuses. Men make changes!
You should see how fast I can go from hardcore gangsta to Irish folk singer when my ipod jumps from Jay-Z to The Swell Season.
doesn't wish anyone harm but wouldn't be upset if Justin Bieber was kicked in the head by a donkey.
I refuse to believe there's enough happiness in the world to justify anyone sticking magnetic daisies on their car.
Oprah embraces her half sister & brings her into the family. Tomorrow, I will be showing up as long lost brother - JD Winfrey
Everyone's suitcases all look the same. That's why I always pack my stuff in a treasure chest.
Life Lesson number 1, There is a time each month when a man would rather face death in a 20ft snow drift than spend a day with his significant other. Thank god for 4 wheel drive 