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BREAKING: Chicago Police Dept has replaced all sirens with the National Anthem, to force suspects to stop running and take a knee. 
"All gave some, and some gave all" Remember 9/11......
(.)(.) + $$ = ( . )( . )
With all the crazy things I've done and survived, I'm convinced its because God has a special purpose for me and doesn't want me to die yet. Although, more and more, I get the impression its just because He needs a laugh every now and then.
Obama standing next to Chris Christie. They looked like the number 10.
Hey couples who write on each others Facebook walls, NO ONE cares how much you love each other, so cut it out!
Haunted houses would be scarier if they were filled with women that wanted you to guess their age...
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
Instead of reading "KIM & KANYE EXPECTING A BABY", the headlines should have read, "KIM GETS KNOCKED UP AFTER HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX WITH KANYE OUT OF WEDLOCK!"
How do you know when your girlfriend is putting on too much weight? She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.
In 2013, my first status will be- "Is anyone alive?!
A man who saved a 10 year old girl from being abducted claims to be an illegal immigrant. Great, now they're stealing Batman's job too.
If you throw a baseball and hit the Target logo the store drops into a tank of water.
Dear Genitals, Thank you for not bleeding every month. Sincerely, A Man
I don't have health insurance, but I do have car insurance. So whenever I get sick I just go crash my car into a tree.
Has anyone notice on the visit California commercial, Kim Kardashian is pretending to read a Quantum Physics book?
In an instant it shook our faith in humanity. Watching people run towards the blast in the next instant restored it.
By saying you want a sandwich after sex you're letting me know you suck at sex because you expect me to be able to walk afterwards.
Are you gonna eat that... or just take pictures?
Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was. 