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These people on my Facebook aren't really friends, just more of a wish list of people I want to sleep with 
*teacher textes student* "dear student, I know you're texting. no one would be looking a their crotch and smiling"
Creaking floorboards have been known to ruin the plans of thousands of teenagers.
Pregnancy Test: The magic wand that can make a man disappear.
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
Say what you want about drunk people, but at least they've had all their shots.
thinks that anytime a conversation goes silent, you can always start it back up by slapping someones forehead and saying, "Shoulda had a V8".
I woke up last Friday to find a letter from West Africa in my e-mail. Saturday morning, there was one from Nigeria and today, there was one from Jamacia. I have the feeling I am being black mailed....
Employees caught speaking Spanish will be paid in Pesos.
thinking Robin Hood was a Democrat.
I didn't trip, I just attacked the floor with my mad ninja skills.
When a girl tells you you're not getting any, before you ask, before you even try, you're getting some
Being single doesn't mean your weak, it means you're strong enough to wait for what YOU deserve.
I've changed the lock on my heart.. So stick the old key up your ass.
keep your issues in your tissue box, and learn how to keep them out of your status box..
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
There's only 2 addresses I ever remember, my own house, and P Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.
The girlfriend gets the wallposts, the hoes get the inbox.
if I get sexted by somebody I don't want to sext, does that mean I got molexted?
Dear Hurricane Irene please spare all my friends that live on the east coast, my heart and prayers go out to them, but if you make land fall in the New Jersey shore area, please take Snooki and the cast of Jersey Shore out to sea with you. Thanks' a bu 