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Friends don't let friends wear mullets. 
busy cleaning the now-orange keyboard thanks to cheetos!
It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one's present or future thirst, the excellence of the wine, or any other reason.”
The difference between a sin and shame; It is a sin to put it in; It is a shame to pull it out!
just did a shot of wheatgrass* and now I'm off to the gym**! (*=bourbon, **=pub)
watching his weight.... go up and up
says I will reveal a new status update tonight @ 9pm (CST)....... Sorry Lebron James for taking the spotlight from your announcement at the same time on ESPN....
Well, the Mayans were close-- Oprah goes off the air in 2011.
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
- I've had so many f**king blind dates recently....I should be eligible to a free dog...
I am one beer away from another beer.
HELL YEAH, PAYDAY! I'm going to buy so many taxes.
You may think I'm dumb but you over estimate me.
I may not know karate but I do know crazy.
Shouldn't they be called salt and pepper shakees? I do all the work and they get all the credit. I'm the f*cking shaker!
i find tinsel distracting
My definition of a perfect storm is one that keeps the relatives from coming to visit
I don't need a "Plan B" because my "Plan A" is awesome.
I'm quite the match maker. Just matched up whiskey with some ginger ale.
The worst part about waking up alone is not having someone to kick out of bed to make me coffee. 