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Release frustration wisely: Have angry sex. 
Karaoke is always a great idea before the mic is placed in your hand
FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.
Zebras are just living, breathing barcodes.
I just took the garbage out. In 3D.
before the letters FDNY became a fashion statement on hats, it was worn on the back of brave dudes with mustaches, NEVER FORGET
Happiness is'nt getting what you want, it is wanting what you've got
I dont hate Mondays. I just cant stand the 24 hours they occupy.
Bank of America credit card: $6,469.43, Citi credit card :$4,710.89, Chase credit card: $1,434.85... Figuring out that your Ex-Girlfriend wasn't the one.........................................................EXPENSIVE!!!! FML LOL
You know your ugly when my dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
Cutting onions doesn't make me cry. I became indifferent to their suffering years ago.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
if you have been naughty this Christmas be happy if you get coal...there are blind snowmen out there that would kill for it!
it makes me really sad that there is a man so old he can hardly move still having to work at the Rochester tolls. which is why I always offer him delicious treats that I keep stored in my car like skittles and chocolate in an attempt to make his day :)
I wonder what the goose did to earn its silly reputation...
if we have walkie talkies then why are vacumes not call pushy suckies
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
You know you're getting old if you look at an iPad and think "doesn't that look like an Etch-a-Sketch?"
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together. 