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The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate. 
Upon receiving my new Thai Bride, I was appalled by the warning that came with the instructions: - "This product may contain nuts"
I find those "No shirt, no shoes, no service" signs very misleading because they never say anything about having to wear pants. Apparently, I was wrong... now gotta go to court on Thursday...
I had a fight with my shoelaces this morning. It ended up in a tie.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
Health plans are like hospital gowns…You only think you're covered.
___________________/\_____________\0/_______'' Help Shark''
in a relationship with Nancy Pelosi. I figure she has been screwing me for 4 years now; I might as well make it official.
Answered the door today and a giant grasshopper spit in my face and kicked me hard in the shin , I phoned my doctor and he said not to worry , there was a really nasty bug going around
I left my cross-eyed girlfriend today. The b*tch was seeing someone else.
I quess Kate Steinle didn't look enough like Obama's daughters for him to give a damn about her.
above the influence.
Hey republican..ssshhhh....you had me at "common sense"
Dear lord thankyou for these noodles i'm about to eat, ramen
Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles? He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.
wonders if it's ironic that I have facebook open in another tab.....you do to dont you
I'd also like to learn how to spell GIANT one of these days
When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"
Don't worry NBA players, Kim Kardashian will let you slam balls in her hole!
OK. So we tortured a bunch of terrorists. Big Whoop. How many of us have they killed? 