Doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar

   My couple friends just keep me around so that when they fight they can refer to me to remind them how awful & lonely it is to be single.

   Breaking News: The National Weather Center has issued a tornado warning for Chattanooga TN. For your own safety head to Neyland Stadium in Knoxville, they're not worried about a touchdown there.......

   Put my thing down, flipped it and reversed it. Now its inside out. Send help.

   The inventor of Doritos is dead. Somewhere, the inventor of Bugles is playing "Taps."

   Slipping a tasteful nude photo into my work file... couldn't hurt at this point.

   Excuse me... Tell me more about this mythical corner, around which fudge is made.

   I have said it before and I will say it again. IT

   I am terrible at making comparisons. I guess I'm alot like a taco that way.

   Melissa Etheridge is single, with four kids by two different chicks. Sounds like someone is ready for the NBA.

   Why are flies always rubbing their hands together? What are you up to? ANSWER ME INSECT

   It's amazing how quickly a MILF becomes a MILL (Mom I'd Like to Leave)

   It's fascinating that a creature can begin as a caterpillar and end as a stepped-on caterpillar

   I hate it when you finally fall in love & your girlfriend's all "Who are you? Put down my dog. I'm calling the police."

   Sarah Palin said, "Polls are for strippers." Cute. Guess what Grandma? Birth control pills are for teenagers.

   Kourtney Kardashian's pregnant. Which is awesome, because I was just starting to think that there aren't NEARLY enough Kardashians

   On my tombstone please write: more people not appreciating my puns and updates when I was alive was a grave mistake.

   Im alittle experimental tonight and I tell ya, I tried on a Trojan Magnum...its really hard to breathe in those things.

   Cant, made plans to have insomnia again tonight.

   The Black Lady on the Pine-Sol commercial told me to disinfect the thing I touch the most... ...this is going to sting a bit.