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By their early thirties, the average person has unsubscribed from more email lists than they have days left to live. 
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
So 10-year old's school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too. Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Want people to leave you alone this fall? Tuck in your sweater.
Remember children, the best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
If Cinderella's shoe only fit her and no one else why did it fall off?
There are millions of children starving in Africa. IHOP has a sign that says "kids eat free". So build an IHOP in Africa. Problem solved.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
If you're ever dreaming about buying an old air-cooled Volkswagen that's super dependable you can drive anywhere without a care in the world and never have to work on what you need to look for is a Toyota.
I wish my wife was better in bed. <sighs> <disables autocorrect> I wish my WiFi was better in bed.
: I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground… 