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My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids. 
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Found $20 in a parking lot and thought to myself What Would Jesus Do? So I took it and turned it into wine.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Can't make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor's chicken coop.
Seems like somebody should have sued producers of "The Neverending Story" for false advertising
Remember those girls in college who neatly highlighted all of their text books in pink? They work at the cosmetic counter at Macy’s now.
Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?
An upscale Asian restaurant called "Suit and Thai."
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
*brings therapist to family gathering* Me: See? Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don't like me Therapist: That's where I can help Me: Great Therapist: They don't
Me socialising: terrible. Me socialising with alcohol: terrible, but with enthusiasm.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Brexit has inspired my wife to demand a sexit.
Now that the Supreme Court has ruled on the Texas law, I'm sure the ruling will end all debate on abortion.
Trying to convince myself peanut M&M's and red wine is an acceptable snack because together, they have the same ingredients as trail-mix.
Perhaps it wasn't a good idea to hold a referendum with the same people who came up with "Boaty McBoatface." 