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Girls say they want a fairytale wedding but when I bring in the evil witch queens and the enchanted frogs, now she changes her mind 
Single men: To keep on enjoying your carefree life, never utter the words "I DO"
Hello. HP? I'd like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
I already finished my chocolate bunny. Next year I want a chocolate moose.
Fun fact: Hostess Twinkies are 88 years old. (4/06/30) They were first filled with banana cream filling. But change to a vanilla cream filling do to a banana rationing during WW II.
"I'd love to be your widow, someday" - me flirting
;) A mistress is someone between a mister and a mattress
Welcome to Assumption club I think we all know why we're here...
Parenthood is the scariest Hood you will ever go through.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it? Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Sometimes I wonder how many times Wolverine has hurt himself sneezing
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza? ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Me: "Hey, Siri, why do I always mess things up with women?"
Her: "My name is ALEXA..."
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?” 