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Seems like somebody should have sued producers of "The Neverending Story" for false advertising 
Remember those girls in college who neatly highlighted all of their text books in pink? They work at the cosmetic counter at Macy’s now.
Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?
An upscale Asian restaurant called "Suit and Thai."
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
*brings therapist to family gathering* Me: See? Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don't like me Therapist: That's where I can help Me: Great Therapist: They don't
Me socialising: terrible. Me socialising with alcohol: terrible, but with enthusiasm.
If you turned on all the vacuums on Earth at the same time, that would really suck.
When my wife picks a restaurant that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
So I was deleting ugly people on my FB account and I nearly deleted my damn self.
When I see "you are here" on a map makes me wonder how did they know I was going to be there.
I just ordered a plunger and a spatula on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, you can thank me
What’s the traditional gift for a 24 year anniversary? Is it murder? Please say it’s murder.
Dentist: I'm going to give you some helium gas. Me: Will that stop me from feeling any pain? Dentist: No...... But when you screem, it will be hilarious.
I hate people who take drugs. Customs agents, for example.
Bummer is being sick on your day off.
The weather guy said I should drink plenty of electrolytes in this heat, does beer have electrolytes? Asking for a friend.
I stuff the holes in Swiss cheese with other cheeses. 