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There's much better things in life than alcohol but alcohol compensates for not getting them. 
*smashes bag of Oreos and pours it on salad*
Eating healthy is great
I'm a Twinkie in a Dingdong world !
Just had a bunch of Persian food for lunch. It was so delicious, but now I falafel.
Folks should be made aware of the difference between want and need. Example: I want a hot body, but I need pizza.
If you open a doughnut shop and don't name it "Hole Foods" well, what's the matter with you?
At the end of the day the most overused phrase is at the end of the day.
The leading cause of divorce is marriage.
As a kid getting sent to bed was a punishment, but now leaving my bed feels like a punishment
not having to set an alarm is one of the greatest feelings EVER!
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it." FML.
Which rock group has 4 men that can’t sing? Mount Rushmore.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
I hate it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is receiving his First Communion that day.
with all these statues getting removed, I'm worried now about asking "the general" about car insurance
WTH did the Groundhog see its shadow or not???
This morning I phoned in to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act. It was an automated phone system which said: 'Press 1 for the money / 2 for the show'
How many coworkers have to ask you "what's that pee smell" before you admit you're wearing a new cologne?
No wife ever shot her husband for doing the dishes.
I took the Facebook quiz "Which Sex and the City character are you?" Turns out I'm the bus driver who splashes Carrie in the opening credits. 