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Want people to leave you alone this fall? Tuck in your sweater. 
Remember children, the best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
If Cinderella's shoe only fit her and no one else why did it fall off?
There are millions of children starving in Africa. IHOP has a sign that says "kids eat free". So build an IHOP in Africa. Problem solved.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
If you're ever dreaming about buying an old air-cooled Volkswagen that's super dependable you can drive anywhere without a care in the world and never have to work on what you need to look for is a Toyota.
I wish my wife was better in bed. <sighs> <disables autocorrect> I wish my WiFi was better in bed.
: I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it's lettuce.
The doctors office plays HGTV so I can feel bad about my body and my house
Tip:No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
My worst fear of getting old is chewing for no reason.😖
Pro-Tip: If you volunteer to sit at the kids' table this Thanksgiving, you can hide your green bean casserole under the plate of the toddler next you.
Black Friday. Or as it should be known: "Thanksgiving Is Over, We Now Return You To Your Self-Centered Lives Already In Progress."
She passed on the scalloped potatoes because "I don't really like seafood." It was at that moment where I knew she was dumb enough to sleep with me.
The last time I bought a Christmas tree the sales person said “are you going to put that up yourself?” I thought, that is strange. No, I’m just gonna put it up in the living room
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Have you read the Dr. Seuss book about an elephant at a rock concert? Its called "Horton Hears The Who." 