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I hate it when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the ass to wake it up. 
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
People who publicly announce they're "taking a break" from social media, are merely disgruntled that they have only 10 friends and even those 10 never comment.
When i'm Single,all I see are couples being happy.When i'm Dating someone,all I see are Single,being happy.
T Pain is so old now, he changed his name to Knee Pain!
Hey NFL...you should ask Mizzou how they've been getting along since they tolerated all of that social justice protesting! Haha, it's a ghost town over there!
If lemons could talk I bet they would say "Hey! Did you know you have a papercut?"
The first rule of Might Club is maybe.
How come they don't show Breaking Bad reruns on the Cooking Channel?
Wouldn't it be nice if you could adjust the brightness level of people like you can on your TV?
When the shovel was invented, it was a ground breaking experience.
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder, where in the hell are the dream police!
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
Ladies......If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, you aren't as cute as you think you are
Back in the days I remember passing chewing gum in school was like drug dealing
Somewhere in Michigan an 8-year-old boy farted half a beat before that meteor set off an earthquake. It was the greatest moment of his life.
Someone should invent an alarm clock that automatically reports you sick when you've pressed snooze 3 times
Stranger Things got it all wrong. It should have started Season 1 as Strange Things
Crazy glue is like regular glue except it forgot to take its meds
Somebody needs to invent a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell "Alright already!" 