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Somewhere out there, is an English teacher waiting 4 school to reopen so that she can give students an essay topic how I spend my lockdown 
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
If you smoke weed before an eating contest, are you technically on performance enhancing drugs?
Now is the worst possible time to catch someone’s drift.
I'm not afraid to admit it. It's time like these that I like go to my "special place", and caress my emotional support firearms.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Has anyone tried going back to the ice bucket challenge to fix 2020?
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now...good for them
My doctor asked me if I might be pregnant. I told him I’d be giving birth to a pack of Duracell batteries if I was
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
As chickens are descended from dinosaurs, dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets must be the ultimate mockery of what their lineage has become.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
A smoothie is not worth $14, but the cleanup of a blender is.
20% of marriage is just waiting for your spouse to fall asleep so you can eat the snacks you don’t want to share.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I used to think nudism was weird. Then I started doing my own laundry.
I read about a cloister of monks where you have to be at least 6'5" to join. That's a pretty tall order. 