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Now my neighbors know how often I pee in my backyard... Thanks, super moon. Thanks. 
My Bank called because they noticed "Highly Suspicious Activity" on my debit card. It was for a Gym Membership.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Casual Fridays? I'm holding out for Optional Fridays.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I'm out in public. Thanks.
The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
If you think about it, to come clean is not an option. . .
'Wait, let me overthink that.' Women
I'm recording an album called "My Sinuses Unplugged."
The real Troll Hunter is a stupid, little shy guy without any self-confidence who has a big flap on the internet and at home he is sitting while peeing… because his mom told himso
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about
Yesterday a guy asked me "would you give me three dollars for a sandwich?" and I said. "I don't know. Let me see the sandwich."
Don't judge me on the choices I have made when you don't know the options I had to choose from.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
If someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs!
This is the first time in history when we can save the Human Race by lying in front of the TV doing nothing. Let's not screw this up.
Finland has closed its borders. Now no one can cross the Finnish line
Roses are red, April is grey, I hope we can leave our houses by may.
Ladies, even in social distancing, men exaggerate. They'll claim it's six feet, but it's really only three. 