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Why is it that when I talk to God I am said to be praying, but when God talks to me I am said to be schizophrenic? 
If you think this message is a display of stupidity, just wait until you read the one below this...
Christopher Columbus was the first socialist. "He did not know where he was going, he did not know where he was, and he did it all at taxpayers expense."
[at restaurant] Wife: I'm having an affair. Husband: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well.
Pessimism is just an ugly word for pattern recognition.
: A cat never cries over spilled milk.
Carnival Cruise Lines just announced tomorrows ship departure has been moved to Gate 6A at Houston Intercontinental Airport...
There are four boxes to use in the defense of Liberty: Soap, Ballot, Jury, and Ammo. Use in that order.
Other than insecurity, hatred & racism, sexism & discrimination, greed, infidelity and sheer stupidity most of the human race is pretty much perfect...
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now...good for them
My doctor asked me if I might be pregnant. I told him I’d be giving birth to a pack of Duracell batteries if I was
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
As chickens are descended from dinosaurs, dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets must be the ultimate mockery of what their lineage has become.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
A smoothie is not worth $14, but the cleanup of a blender is.
20% of marriage is just waiting for your spouse to fall asleep so you can eat the snacks you don’t want to share.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I used to think nudism was weird. Then I started doing my own laundry.
I read about a cloister of monks where you have to be at least 6'5" to join. That's a pretty tall order. 