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I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about 
Yesterday a guy asked me "would you give me three dollars for a sandwich?" and I said. "I don't know. Let me see the sandwich."
Son, asking for help with his homework: where do I find the lowest common denominator? Me: We look on Twitter.
How do you accidentally send an inbound missile warning to Hawaii by "pressing the wrong button"? I had to click "are you sure", verify my thumbprint and solve an algebra problem just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
12 days to Valentine...
...wives have become more polite than customer care..
I just invented a new word: Plagiarism.
When I saw the stock market plummet, I may have overreacted a bit by eating my neighbors cat...
Facebook is taking up too much of my time, I'm taking a break. I'll be back after I go get my coffee
I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
Girls want attention, Women want respect. But Men want both... And I mean - both Girls and Women
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
This is my salad fork. That's my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.
Sorry, I can't. It's Toyota's Summer Sale-A-Thon.
Paul Ryan just listed his spine for sale on Craigslist.
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don't know who to root for.
Today's words of Wisdom: Don't drown the man who taught you to swim.
Absolutely despicable thats gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh.
Nancy Grace decided to leave CNN to spend more time annoying the crap out of her family.
I refuse to join your Pokemon cult 