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20% of marriage is just waiting for your spouse to fall asleep so you can eat the snacks you don’t want to share. 
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I used to think nudism was weird. Then I started doing my own laundry.
I read about a cloister of monks where you have to be at least 6'5" to join. That's a pretty tall order.
The dating pool definitely has pee in it
One time my wife accidentally threw a knife at me, but I’m pretty sure the second time was intentional.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention: Pick your nose
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?” Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
How could he be the Lone Ranger if Tonto was always with him
Fat Girls out Here With Crop Tops Looking like Winnie the Pooh 🤣
I'm not really sure I want this gas pump to know what zip code I live in
I stopped watching Vikings when Ragnar Lothbrok died.
Fun Fact: You could buy 420,000 tampons for the same amount of taxpayer funds Rep. Blake Farenthold used to settle a sexual harassment lawsuit.
On Sunday France plays Croatia... Their defense will try to last 90 minutes and beat their World War II record...
Quit hating people because of race, religion, sex, or sexual orientation! Join me in hating people just because they are people!
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy's.
"what did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" ( Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my wife.)
They say it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. After years of marriage, I find it's bad luck after the wedding as well.
October surprise. . . indeed. 