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I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind. 
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I'm grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
I keep buying leeks because I have too many potatoes. Then I keep buying more potatoes because I have too many leeks. It's a vichyssoise cycle.
We're not meant to live alone, find someone. Lock them down the basement if you must.
I saw a documentary last night on NatGeo about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
I am all for the death penalty, but I think we should make it interesting and fun. Make it a game and play musical electric chairs. When the music goes off one chair gets a nice charge. . .
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid. FML.
Why is it that when I talk to God I am said to be praying, but when God talks to me I am said to be schizophrenic?
If you think this message is a display of stupidity, just wait until you read the one below this...
Christopher Columbus was the first socialist. "He did not know where he was going, he did not know where he was, and he did it all at taxpayers expense."
[at restaurant] Wife: I'm having an affair. Husband: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have the affair as well.
Pessimism is just an ugly word for pattern recognition.
: A cat never cries over spilled milk.
Carnival Cruise Lines just announced tomorrows ship departure has been moved to Gate 6A at Houston Intercontinental Airport...
There are four boxes to use in the defense of Liberty: Soap, Ballot, Jury, and Ammo. Use in that order.
Other than insecurity, hatred & racism, sexism & discrimination, greed, infidelity and sheer stupidity most of the human race is pretty much perfect...
Son, asking for help with his homework: where do I find the lowest common denominator? Me: We look on Twitter.
How do you accidentally send an inbound missile warning to Hawaii by "pressing the wrong button"? I had to click "are you sure", verify my thumbprint and solve an algebra problem just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings 