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The idea is to die young as late as possible 
I’d like to see a commercial where the wife receives a brand new Lexus on Christmas morning and the she turns to her husband and says "You idiot! WTF is the matter with you? We can’t afford a Lexus!"
This whole Santa should have no gender is crap. Here is how you know Santa is a man. He shows up late, eats your cookie, empties his sack, comes only once, calls you a Ho and leaves while you're asleep.
I accidentally walked into the women's room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn't be awkward.
I've probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator!
I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.
My dog ate all the Scrabble tiles once . For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I knew I was going bald when it took longer and longer to wash my face.
I knew I was going bald 5 years ago when it took longer and longer to wash my face.
How could he be the Lone Ranger if Tonto was always with him
Fat Girls out Here With Crop Tops Looking like Winnie the Pooh 🤣
I'm not really sure I want this gas pump to know what zip code I live in
I stopped watching Vikings when Ragnar Lothbrok died.
Fun Fact: You could buy 420,000 tampons for the same amount of taxpayer funds Rep. Blake Farenthold used to settle a sexual harassment lawsuit.
On Sunday France plays Croatia... Their defense will try to last 90 minutes and beat their World War II record...
Quit hating people because of race, religion, sex, or sexual orientation! Join me in hating people just because they are people!
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy's.
"what did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" ( Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my wife.)
They say it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. After years of marriage, I find it's bad luck after the wedding as well. 