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I drink heavily on the weekends so I can be able to deal with my workmates during the week. 
My boyfriend thought I was great, but after nosing through my underwear drawer and finding a nurse uniform, a french maid outfit and a police woman uniform, he dumped me saying, "It's obvious, you can't hold down a job."
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes
has anyone seen Steven Tyler lately?...that dude really does look like a lady
I see Snooki met her weight goal of 98 pounds. AWESOME! One stiff north wind and Canada can deal with her.
Sign seen at Bank window: "We don't mind you talking on your cell phone as long as you don't mind us IGNORING YOU! Thank you so much!"
It's always "going to be okay" when it's not happening to you.
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
The term "Redneck" is so offensive....they're called "Nascar Americans".
Everyone complains about the weather, but no one wants to sacrifice a virgin to change it.
For fun, I steal all my married friends phones and change my name to "Brandy from the club"....then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3 am.
You're a true 90's kid if you heard, "Get off the internet....I need to use the phone."
I am putting a vending machine on my porch this Halloween. Sorry kids, I have bills to pay....
All the keyboard warriors these days... SMH. They all probably get scared $h!tless when the toast pops up..
Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes. 2) Accidents. 3) Marriages. Need I say more?
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
It’s the 40th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you’ll look as bad as Uranus.
I could never work at a lighthouse. There is a 100% chance I'd get fired for making the Bat signal.
When you're so deep in the friend zone that you've met her boyfriend's parents...
.... I'm so old that I actually remember a time when people used to know which restroom to use!! Ahhhhh .... Those were the days .... 