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I miss those days when I would sneeze and someone would politely say, "Bless You" now they run the other way. 
We Just bought 12 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Anybody else up to 6 meals a day
I've been eating so much during the lockdown. I'm starting to get a tan from the fridge light.
United Airlines just released their new frequent flyer app. Easy to use, too. It's all drag and drop.
Man I am beat! Feel like I just flew on United
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers.
Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn't think so.
Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.
I asked the librarian for the latest book on erectile dysfunction! She clattered her computer keyboard and said.."It's not coming up!"...I said.."Yeah!...that's the one!!
The worst part of working for the Department of Unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.
I wish I could match my dog's excitement to go outside.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it'll still be stationery.
If you’re a security guard at Samsung does that make you a Guardian if the galaxies ?
I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.
I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I'm not an alcoholic. I'm spiritual.
My five year plan is to make it through this year.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer. 