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Ok... Where do these people come from that just wake up and say "Ya know, I don't think I can live without purchasing a BMW station-wagon". Really? THAT'S the luxury vehicle of your dreams? 
Pajama jeans (pajamas that look like jeans)...the selling point...regular jeans are hard to put on, tight and uncomfortable...I think maybe just buying the next size up in jeans would solve the whole problem yes? just saying....
Hmm, my upstairs office window is open and I just spotted my kid's cape. Wish me luck!
If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic.
Dear Picky Coworker, Watching you order and customize every aspect of your entrée even going off menu makes us fear what the staff will do to our food. Keep doing this and we'll spit on your plate ourselves. Sincerely, Your Tablemates.
I'm an advocate for all those who cannot talk for themselves, like my middle finger for example
thinking dirty the whole day.
You never realize how much you enjoy sleep until you wake up early.
I don't have tourette's...random thoughts just fall out of my mouth!
Some women are terribly hard to please… the rest are impossible!
Lets just say today I need to figure out a thing or two about a thing or two!
Anyone can have knowledge, however it is only through age that you develop wisdom.
Just saw the couch I sold at my garage sale at another garage sale
Uses profanity the way Picasso used a paintbrush.
All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.
thinks you're his smartest and best-looking friend on Facebook. (Thanks for not telling the others.)
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "no hard feelings"
Arguing with a fool proves there are two. 