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Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women. 
March 4th, the only day of the year that actually tells you to go do something.
So, when does Jill Stein announce her Kickstarter campaign to fund Meals on Wheels?
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
Now that the Raiders are moving to Las Vegas if they get more than 21 points in a game they automatically lose
Your 6 yo has a $800 phone? Cool. When I was 6 I was begging my mom to buy me the click-pen that had 4 colors.
I cook, clean, and run errands because I know I can't compete with a vibrator.
I ask my wife why she never blinks her eyes during sex. She said I never had the time.
If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears. I mean, hey, you never know....
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
My wife stepped out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the damned drain is clogged again."
Being stuck in the'' friend zone'' is like a potential employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he eventually hired
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
The new name should be "The Team Formerly Known as The Redskins"
I just dumped a pack of M&M’s into my mask and am slowly eating them like a horse
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Anyone else feel like Halloween is unnecessary this year? I mean I’ve been wearing a mask and eating candy for the last seven months. I don’t think I need a day dedicated to it anymore.
Since drinking hasn’t killed me yet, I can only assume it’s making me stronger...
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the beer is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. 