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Being stuck in the'' friend zone'' is like a potential employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he eventually hired 
The relationship my wife and I have is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.
Just texted my boss "I think my computer's broke Boss replied: "Just give it to the IT guy" Me: "okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck Clown.
Canadian bacon is just ham that's apologizing for not being bacon.
Having some states locked down and others not, is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car. I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Just bought a thesaurus at Goodwill, I got home to discover all the pages are blank, I have no words to describe how angry I am...
The media that got everything wrong will now tell you what will happen now that what they said wouldn't happen happened. Think about that for a minute...
It seems Michael Moore attained, at least partially, one of the two things he desperately needs, which is humility. We can only hope the other will soon be forthcoming....a bath.
*rides off into the sunset...... *rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock....... *rides off into the sunset......
I think this Christmas Eve it would really be nice if we all went over to MySpace to wish Tom a Merry Christmas ....... poor guy.
The people who insist you say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" are just trying to Police Navidad.
This is how my week goes: moooooooooooonday.. tuuuuuuuuuuuesday... weeeeeeeeeednesday... thuuuuuuuuuursday.. fridaysaturdaysunday....
Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.
March 4th, the only day of the year that actually tells you to go do something.
So, when does Jill Stein announce her Kickstarter campaign to fund Meals on Wheels?
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
Now that the Raiders are moving to Las Vegas if they get more than 21 points in a game they automatically lose
Your 6 yo has a $800 phone? Cool. When I was 6 I was begging my mom to buy me the click-pen that had 4 colors.
I cook, clean, and run errands because I know I can't compete with a vibrator. 