Funny Status Messages

   It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

   2020 love life: The washing machine has seen me naked more often than anyone else.

   I swear to God if I had one of those Race Car Beds, it would be on jack stands too.

   At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

   The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block I know a sign from God when I see one

   If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

   I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate that I ate.

   I'd like to personally address Facebook in telling them we know how to vote and to kindly stop with those imbecilic notices.

   I am having a weird day, first I found a hat full of money, then I got chased by a guy with a guitar.

   You want a traditional thanksgiving? The CDC recommends you eat outside like a pilgrim this year

   “Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN” -Costco.

   Don't worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. You should worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving. Have a Happy Thanksgiving. :-)

   In honor of Charles Dickens I am also going to be poor this Christmas

   Anyone here with one leg? I have a ton of socks you can have.

   I recently bought a toilet brush. To make a long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.

   5 year olds can't bring milk, eggs or peanuts to school these days but they can bring the measles...

   This morning My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

   Besides my good looks, honesty, charm, witty personality and my incredible sense of humor I have to say that my greatest characteristic is my modesty.

   Just because you lost me as a friend doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I still want to see you eat, just not at my table.

   No need for me to storm Area 51... I've been to Walmart...