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I'm still not entirely sure what instagram is 
Dear children, When you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
Diet Journal, Day 4: Going well. Lost 4 lbs already and the neighbor's daschunds are looking less like chocolate eclairs.
Forget personalized ringtones. I need something done to my doorbell so I can tell if it's family, friends, UPS, Jehovah's Witnesses, or people trying to sell me sh!t.
Boss just calls me into work for a quick favor & the first thing he asks me is "Are you sober?" I said "Define sober." He hangs up. I win...
Nothing says you're out of shape like getting winded while vacuuming.
...I'm begining to think my Amish friend isn't going to text me.
B!tch, You're a booty call, stop putting your relationship status as "it's complicated."
A Girl that knows she's beautiful never has to tell people about it.
I am going to tell you a little secret; it doesn't cost a single dime to mind your own business.
Please don't promise me something I never asked for and then change your mind the moment I fall for it.
dropped it like it was hot but couldn't pick it back up.
Thank goodness the weather has gotten nice for once. I was getting sick of hearing people complain about the cold. Now I'm ready for people to start complaining about it being too hot. Whine people....whine!!
They tell us not to put all our eggs in one basket, then Easter comes and they only give us one basket!
You're lucky to be born so beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.
I installed a stripper pole outside my house. Haven't caught one yet.
“Hey, it's been 6 seconds. Check your phone again.” (my brain)
Weddings in 3 weeks, I wish I could invite all of you but the Waffle House only fits 43.
Why doesn't the White House have a BIG YARD SALE to pay back the debt?
I don't think I will ever be mature enough to keep from laughing everytime I see a shake-weight commercial. 