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feels like a hamster in his wheel - going nowhere fast! 
HEADLINE: "American stranded in Ukraine in online dating scam" - I am just glad I have never needed a date this bad.
Don't wear skinny jeans, if you have no skinny genes.
at Walmart buying pajama jeans for Thanksgiving dinner.
One who can promise nothing is Worthless. One who can promise everything is full of sh!t.
Pregnancy tests should read: You're Screwed! or Keep Screwing.
You get to a point in life where it would be quicker to tell the doctor what isn't wrong with you than what is.
There is no "I" in team, but there is a "U" in suck.
That akward moment when you don't really like your crush. You like the imaginary version of them which you created in your head.
How come I always get the fortune cookie that likes to be a smart-ass?
I don't care how smart your phone is, it's not going to change how stupid you are.
Women's Ass Sie Study..30% of women think their ass is too fat..10% of women think their ass is too skinny..The reminaing 60% say they dont care,they love him,he's a good man & they wouldn"t trade him for the world!
I got arrested today for feeding some homeless guys on the street, and to top it all off, the cops broke my potato gun.
Words don't have the power to hurt you...unless.. the person saying them means a lot to you.
Dear extra fat on my body, You have two options, move to my boobs, or gtfo.
For not knowing what's going on, dogs sure look embarrassed when you watch them taking a dump.
I want to start a Super PAC that will pay Clint Eastwood to glare at politicians while they try to sleep.
VH1 is playing all Whitney videos right now. I forgot about some of these song. Then again, I forgot what a video was
I'm sick and tired of Pinterest invading Facebook! you need to stay on your side of the fence, we didn't invite you in our yard! Don't make me turn this into the Hatfield & McCoys!
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts? 