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Its all fun and games until the K9 unit shows up and they tell you to pop open the trunk ツ 
Going to Mexico. What outfit best says: "My family won't pay the ransom."
Dear Liver, The drinking will continue until your attitude improves.
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
Im using internet explorer so I hope this isnt too late. Happy new year 2009
One of the office girls just told me she does yoga. I innocently said yoga is more of a spectator sport for me. Off to HR again…
Some girls seem to think that LOVE stands for Legs Open Very Easy!
Happy people don't take long showers.
Know that stunning girl who says naughty things and constantly posts pics of herself? I GUARANTEE you'd be SICK of her in like two weeks.
Your ass must get jealous of all the crap that comes out of your mouth!
Beer tastes so delicious when you hate everyone!
I've decided to be a mythological creature for Halloween this year. It's a tie between a unicorn or a proud Brown's fan.
I think it was suppose to be Honey Poo Poo instead of Honey boo boo. Because clearly thats where tv is headed, down the pooper.
"Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, yep, yep, uh huh, uh huh, ok, you too, bye": Man side of every phone conversation with his wife.
I'm reading the ingredients on a can of dog food, and I'm shocked to see that 17% of it is "kids' homework".
When you go back to the scene of the drinking crime, somehow it all looks different in daylight.
May the beer rise up to meet you and may your bar tab be picked up by someone else, and may the hangover be far from you. Happy St. Paddy's Day!
God is love, but Lucifer does that thing with his tongue.
I need a Café Mocha Valium Latte. 