Funny Status Messages

   If a supervisor at work gets the Covid, do the people who kiss his ass have to get tested? Asking for a friend.

   The reporter on CNN said that at the end of the day, the thing that will keep you safe is common sense. Some of you are in serious trouble.

   Don't piss off old people. The older they get, the less Life In Prison becomes a deterrent.

   So this guy says to his friend "I got a part in a play." And his friend said "What part did you get?" The guy says "I'll be playing a husband." And his friend said "Too bad you didn't get a speaking role."

   One of the circus freaks of the future will be the incredible non-tattooed man!

   I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk but never got the chants.

   I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing😁

   They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic, but so far I’ve made two jugs and a vase!

   Don't accept any friend requests from Taco Bell.. they're nacho friends

   They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry. It's been several days now, what should I do?

   Establish dominance by telling your doctor that you need to lose weight before he tells you that you need to lose weight

   I get tired of all the drama of family getting mad and running out the door every Thanksgiving! I believe a man is allowed to watch football naked in his own house!

   For those of you that think that Jimmy Kimmel is a champion of women’s rights feel free to watch some “Man Show” reruns

   When he was told Sanders was stepping down, Joe Biden congratulated him on all that great chicken.

   Walmart has announced that all normal looking people will now have to pay admission to enter the store

   The local orphanage called and asked for a donation. So I sent over two of my neighbor's kids.

   If my psychiatrist said "There's really nothing more I can do for you", that means I'm cured right??

   It's so cold outside, I just accidentally keyed someone's car with my nipples.

   I can't believe California hasn't figured out that all they have to do is ban wildfires

   That's so weird. I told her to calm down and it had the exact opposite effect...