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Love has its own time, its own season, its own reasons for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coax it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you... 
abstinance makes the church grow fondlers
feels it's "BEER O'CLOCK"
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you're laying in the hospital dying of nothing.
What happens when you autotune Stephen Hawking?
Air Freshener: Because there's no louder way of telling the whole house you've just taken a sh*t...
How do I get my husband to clean? I tell him I might be bringing home a girl for a threesome.
There's always that one person you regret giving your number to.
Dont study me,,,,you wont graduate!!
The gentleman in me says, "Let it go." But the animal in me says, "Sh*t in her shoes."
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook!
FYI: Captain Hook ran his entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
Why do people say ''I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Apparently "To get all this weed delivered" is not an appropriate answer when the cop pulls you over and asks why you were speeding.
Organized people are just people who are too lazy to look for things.
A cute thing I tell my kids is that if you fart while sitting on Mall Santa's lap, Real Santa will bring you extra presents.
Choosing someone based on their looks, is like picking a Christmas gift based on the wrapping paper.
If anybody has a reason to be pissed at The Rolling Stone Magazine, its Dr Hook!
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it 'guy who’s getting laid.’ 