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Why when you checkout at a liquor store do they tell you "Have a nice night". Is that not a given? 
Recently engaged, now I gotta hold in my farts til we get married.
I am dark and handsome. When it's dark, I'm handsome.
When you text someone "are you still sleeping" you might as well text "wake up a$$hole."
Just an FYI no one wants to date a b1tch even if your good looking.
Just think, the one for you is walking the earth right now! Probably in a Wall-Mart somewhere!
When writing the story of your life... Don't let anyone hold the pen!!!
Your life is none of my business, but if it was, I would sell it.
Live, Laugh, Love. If that doesn't work, Ready, Aim and Fire.
If a super villain attacks my house whose only weakness is leftover soy sauce packets from the take-out place, he is so f'ked.
My super power is to slap people upside the head when they need it most. No need to thank me. Just doing my job.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didnt stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Why are you informing me how many shopping days left until Christmas? I'm not getting anything for you anyway!
In line at walmart. The lady in front of me had a lawn chair, a can of beans and a box of that summers eve douche rinse. I'm afraid to imagine what her weekend might consist of
Justin Bieber takes home Artist of the Year at the American Music Awards...and you wonder why the rest of the world hates us so much...
You know you're lonely when your friends on Grand Theft Auto don't even answer the phone.
New rule if you can't spin the price is right wheel all the way around then instead of trying again you go to jail, how exciting would that be?
I'm watching Scarface 'cause I'm gangsta... On VHS 'cause I'm old school.
At night, every car that drives behind me automatically becomes a cop car.
when your hand gets stuck trying to reach the Pringles in that friggin' tube - STOP EATING THEM!! 