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When Asian tourists ask me to take their picture for them; I always say, "Okay let's do one more but this time don't squint 
I think its my mom's birthday. I should unblock her on facebook and check.
At this point I'm guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
If a woman raises her voice during an argument she's really saying, "STOP THROWING LOGIC AT ME WHEN I'm TRYING TO BE IRRATIONAL!"
I don't know why the FCC is always complaining about sex on tv. A little sex on tv never hurt anyone.....unless you fall off.
I just want to be held.....against my will.....by a tribe of sex crazed amazon women.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
I bet you're naked under those clothes... You slut
A jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend. If she doesnt get jealous when someone has your attention, it's because someone has hers.
Never give a woman a straight answer. Give them gay answers, they love gay answers.
That akwward moment when... you're trying to get over someone you never even dated.
I can hear Wiener's pick-up line....."My bologna has a first name....
Girls here's an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Hey Facebook.. If I "UNFRIEND" someone.. Please don't put them in my "People you may know".. Of Course I F*ckin know them! I just choose not to be friends with them!
Porn videos that load slowly should say 'muffering.'
4 out of 5 bubble baths result in Santa Claus beards.
This is amazing! Copy and paste this as your status, and within 5 minutes, NOTHING WILL HAPPEN! This really works! I tried it twice and it worked both times. Copy and paste this as your status, more people need to know about this ♥♥♥
I opened our windows to get some fresh air in the house and now the neighbors are wondering why the whole block stinks
When I was little, I used to sing in the shower. Now, I make life decisions in there
Some chick told me to get lost so I bought every season on DVD 