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You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot. 
OH NO!!!! My purse is gone! How did they know where I keep it?
I'm thinking that the only good mornings are the ones that start in the afternoon.
We don't need new applications, We don't need no ad control, Some light sarcasm in my update, Hey! Facebook! Leave us kids alone! All in all it's just another post on my wall.
was on the street and he saw an ugly pregnant lady, and he just thought, 'Good for you.'
March 4th. I like today's date because it's like i'm telling people what to do.
Dear Cashier, you should stop giving me attitude and acting like you're job is so complicated and stressful....Self-Checkout has proven that pretty much Anyone can do your job.
The school shooting happened at Sandy Hook Elementary? Sandy is officially the worst name of 2012.
I bet the first gay Transformer will morph into a Prius.
FLOWERS: $50....DINNER: $75....HOTEL: $199....the look on his face when she tells him, "I'm on my period": PRICELESS.
IDK why everyone is sad about Whitney Houston dying; you didn't know her personally. You only knew her musically & musically she died in '93
But officer, I wasn't texting while driving! I was updating my status!
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
♪ ♫ "Oh come all ye looters Joyful and on welfare Come ye oh come ye to Ferguson."
"That's what." -She
Should I be more grossed out that I found my friends vibrator in her kitchen or by the amount of cat hair that was on it?
"Everyone’s middle name should be, motherfu%kin ...try it doesnt it sound so great"
| ( • )( • ) | Spongebob / ( • )( • ) \ Patrick ( (•)(•) ) Squidward | (•) | Plankton |•||•| Mr. Krabs
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else......
found out that if you play a Justin Beiber album backwards, you hear satanic messages. What's even worse is, if you play it forward, you hear Justin Bieber... 