Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I like you, but not see you every damn day like you.

   I've never gotten in or out of a hammock with my dignity intact.

   Going to Starbucks right now,anybody need anything?

   I used my girlfriend's body wash this morning and now I can't stop replying to text messages with "K"

   I hate it when I click on a porn video and I can see myself in the screen while it's loading?

   The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.

   Life Lesson: The ONLY person that can pledge 100% loyalty to you is YOURSELF.

   I don't "get even" or hold a grudge anymore, I take naps

   Leaving your window open for an hour in the summertime and then the cast from f*@k!?g bug's Life start producing their second film!!

   Don't hit people with glasses. Use your fists.

   I felt naughty asking for my latte to be extra frothy

   I'm not the sort of person who is in a position to cast the first stone, but I sure as hell will cast the second one.

   There's a big difference between a wise guy and a wise man...

   My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough. Now he can hear the voices too.

   Congratulations to USSR for signing Brittney Griner to a long-term contract.

   I'd be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.

   My Pride flag is up all year around, it's red, white, and blue. Merica' 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

   Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha…🤔

   Ok, let's be honest. I hate shopping for bras. You would think with the growing population of aging baby boomers, they would have more of a selection in 36 long.

   If you think your microwave spying on you is bad… Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.