lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   I just signed a 10 million dollar contract to play for the Cowboys next year. Now, I just need to get them to sign it.

   Sow your wild oats on Saturday night. Then pray for crop failure on Sunday.

   Politicians are like diapers: they need to be changed frequently and for the same reason.

   If God had wanted you to talk more than listen, he would have given you two mouths and one ear.

   how come no matter how prepared you are for your toast popping up you still get a shock?

   ..a recent survey shows that 9 out of 10 men prefer big boobs. The 10th man just prefers the other 9 men.

   I should have guessed that huge red toy on the wall at the sex shop was too good to be true! Oh well. I might be $50 shorter but I now have a fire extinguisher for the home!

   You're like a cloud: once you f*ck off,it's a nice day.

   I had to take a drugs test the other day and it came back negative.Which means my dealer's got some explaining to do.

   I tYp3 LyK tHi5 cuz i'm cool, No..you type like that because you failed English Now go to preschool and ‘Type like this.'

   "Find your ideal partner on Facebook!" No thanks, I can safely say that one quality I am not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm.

   To err is divine. To blame it on someone else shows management potential.

   reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

   ..bets living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

   Nudist Camp sign: "Sorry, Clothed for Winter".

   I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

   Regardless of what my mom says, I'm pretty sure I would win a fight against a paper bag.

   If there's one thing I like to rock,it's casbahs.

   My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray. He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.

   A man's New Year's resolution of no sex, no beer,no football,no nights out with the guys and no porn started today. He just got married..