SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don't stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."

   When a girl says, "Whatever you want, I don't care," she means, "Pick something that I want or I will cut you."

   I don't burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.

   Just walked by the Kardashian Kollection at Sears and now I have Klamydia.

   Next time someone calls you a disappointment, remind them everyone is great at something and you just happen to excel at disappointing.

   I've decided to get in shape. The shape will be “potato”.

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: “This one had insurance. Don't kill him.”

   If you ever feel sad remember that there's a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.

   Anybody looking to trade some Nerds for a few Almond Joys?

   Someday, anthropologists will look back at these "mirror self-portraits" and refer to this time as the Bathroom Era.

   Hey Science, "mission accomplished" on the b0ner pills. How about a laptop battery that will stay up for four hours.

   The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.

   My office Christmas party is tonight, which means my office apology party will be tomorrow.

   You know it's going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”

   My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

   I think I invented some new kama sutra moves trying to reach the remote without getting up.

   Butt dialing was a lot harder with rotary phones.

   But if they stop selling Hummers how are we gonna know who's got a small pen!s?

   Retired members of the House/Senate get $174k for life. Our veterans get 10% unemployment & a pat on the back. I need to go throw up now.

   My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.