StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn't be called nachos.

   I'm still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.

   Someone's been sleeping in my bed, said Papa Bear. Someone's been sleeping in MY bed, said Mama. Why don't you share a bed?! cried Baby Bear

   I put the 'me' in camouflage; you just don't see it.

   If you hold up a Shell and listen carefully, you can hear the cashier telling you he doesn't want any trouble.

   I'm not judgmental, so when I see a person driving slow in the fast lane, I never assume what gender she is

   If the caller I.D. reads 'unavailable', then so am I.

   I got gas earlier for $1.19....too bad it was from taco bell.

   It's hard to pretend you love someone when you don't, but it's harder to pretend you don't love someone when you really do.

   If you zoom into the background on your selfies you can see your dignity disappearing into the distance.

   This lady behind me is reading what I'm writing while I'm waiting on line in the pharmacy. Can't wait till she .....aaaAAHHHHH! THAT'S RIGHT LADY!!!....Look away!

   Every Chrysler commercial should begin with them apologizing for the PT Cruiser.

   My goal for 2015 is to accomplish the goals of 2014 which I should have done in 2013 because I made a promise in 2012 which I planned on keeping back in 2011

   All Jay-Z's problems have been undone by his brother, Ctrl-Z.

   I get carried away sometimes... Usually because I refuse to leave.

   Walked by a child clutching a stuffed animal. The kid made the stuffed animal's paw wave at me & now I'm finding it hard to hate everything.

   The best part about this status update is that by the time you've finished reading it you realize that there is absolutely no point to it

   I hate when people write thing like "b4" instead of "before." It's English, not Bingo.

   Orgy was going well until I realized it was an intervention

   I called my work this morning and said, "Sorry, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"