Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Whoever said technology will replace paper... has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad.

   Game: "Would you like to try the tutorial first?" Me: "No." *minutes later* "How the hell do you play this?"

   Do the right thing today: Go to someone's profile, ccroll down 4 months, and like something.

   If the shoe fits, shove it further up their ass.

   I wish I had a job where I could frequently say, "If my calculations are correct..."

   I am pretty certain it is easier to become a Navy SEAL than it is to get a damn fly out of my car.

   Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.

   If at the end of your life you have no regrets, you did it wrong.

   If at first you DO succeed, someone's probably going to think you cheated.

   A report indicates V iagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men. So guys, you can have sex, but you can’t hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, V iagra sales have skyrocketed.

   Ever notice how unaware people are of the world around them? No?

   I planted something on Earth Day... My ass in my recliner for the day!

   Being right isn't nearly as important as knowing when to shut the hell up.

   If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.

   I heard they're going to be opening up dentist offices in Walmart. They are even including an express lane for people with 15 teeth or less!

   A guy is watching TV and suddenly Yells, "Dont enter that church you fool!" His wife asks him, "What are you watching?" "OUR WEDDING!"

   Remember when we were young and couldn't wait to grow up so we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted... How's that working' out?

   Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

   Dear toilet paper makers, We've all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the middle softer. Sincerely, Our asses.

   I don't know why my girlfriend insists on buying me Lunchables, Fruit Roll-Ups, and Pudding Cups for my lunch at work, like I'm in Kindergarten... She knows damn well they won't fit in my Scooby-Doo lunch box!