SEAN Funny Status Messages

   I don't think Chumbawumba is getting back up this time.

   Newt Gingrich bows out of Presidential race to focus on being the world's largest high-fructose corn syrup storage silo.

   I like songs that list a lot of things then have a chorus about the end of the world that's on fire as we know it & it's always burning.

   Nothing says you're out of shape like getting winded while vacuuming.

   The guy who invented "Take Your Child To Work Day" probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

   I have a slight cold, so let me know if you need my address to send sympathy cards.

   I will be the first rapper to rap about the troubles of programming a spare Garage Door Opener remote.

   I think it's pretty awesome to be overweight, because I can usually foil any trapdoor plans

   My guidance councilor had a poster in his office of a kitten hanging from a tree that said "You should probably go ahead and kill yourself."

   Yes, America's the fattest nation on earth but that means were also the funniest when falling off bicycles.

   I've never seen more than 600 dollars worth of cars in a 7-Eleven parking lot.

   SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who's ever used a cell phone will die.

   How is the show "Deadliest Catch" not about AIDS?

   I gave my wife a gluestick instead of chapstick last weekend and she's still not talking to me.

   It's depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine.

   Golf ball sized hail wouldn't be so destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.Do I have to think of everything?!

   Considering renting out my services to people who need awkward situations made awkwarder.

   Why the outrage over Romney's misspelling of "America?" For gosh sake, his parents didn't know how to spell "Matt."

   I would like my Tombstone to read, "He was too Cheap to buy extra lett

   Unless you've figured out how to air condition your yard, don't invite me to your June or July outdoor weddings.