Funny Status Messages

   I don't get why people pay $600 or more a month in child support. According to the Sally Struthers, you can feed a kid for 35 cents a day.

   I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.

   I saw those Italy videos of people singing in Italy so I started singing to my neighbor and one lady told me to shut the *&^% up

   Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

   The Gov. didn't have to issue me a stay at home order, my wife did that years ago.

   The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

   I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer

   My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

   A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

   Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

   In my 20’s – chases a martini with a tequila shot and some weed In my 40’s – chases a multivitamin with a glass of milk so it doesn’t upset my stomach

   [first day as an Orderly] *gets fired for disorderly conduct*

   I'll never force my child into religion. When the right time comes, I'll explain to him/her the differences, and then he/she can choose between Star Trek and Star Wars.

   Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net at least a year supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.

   Your call is very important to us so please enjoy this flute solo for the next 90 minutes

   Fellas; Someone you are unable to hang out with when you are broke is not your girlfriend. That’s a prostitute.

   . Fun fact Smokey the bear's original name was Hotfoot Teddy.

   Thanksgiving is the only time a Califorian can see a natural breast.

   asked Alexa "why is my wife such a b!@#$" & Alexa replied "id rather not answer" ...these computers really are smart

   If you mess with me, you mess with the whole trailer park!