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Remember when the terrorist had the bomb in his shoe? That's the reason why we've gotta take our shoes off at airport security now. This most recent terrorist had the bomb in his underwear. Enjoy your flights - I'm going commando now... 
According to greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.
Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I didn't do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your style.
I can kiss better then I can cook
When you steal a woman from another man in the middle of their relationship, don't be surprise tomorrow when someone else steals her from you coz she has already proven that she is steal-able.
Research shows that 80% of men don't know how to use condoms. These men are called DADS.
I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or anything, but this is the fifth end of the world I've survived.
I hate when people use useless expressions like, 'Needless to say.' 'Needless to say, we had a terrific time tonight.' Needless to say? Then don't say it. 'Well, it goes without saying.' Then shut up.
Lawyers talk how Doctors write.
Money can't buy you happiness. But I'd rather be unhappy in a Bentley.
People say you can't live without love... I think oxygen is more important
The Pizza Delivery Guy said "Thank you" but his face said: "Porn really, really lied to me about what this job was like."
Cold weather reminds me that I have nipples.
Ceilings were just ambitious walls.
If, at any point, you stopped for Hammer Time, I think it is now safe to restart.
Facebook - creating and destroying relationships since 2004.
I found the key to success...however, I found a note from success's landlord saying that the locks have been changed.
Happy St. Patrick's Day. with that being said....i don't own any clothing or buttons or ribbons that are green...so if you pinch me....expect a punch to the throat.
remembers when sex was safe and sky diving was dangerous...
I heard they found the deadly Egyptian cobra that was missing from the Bronx Zoo.....It was in Lindsay Lohan's purse! 