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Pretty soon superheroes are going to be wearing underpants with my picture on them. 
Whenever I meet someone when I'm out and then friend them on Facebook, I'm always surprised that we have no mutual friends. Where did you come from, strange person? How do you know 600 people that I've never met? How is that possible?
Dear people in the apartment beneath me: banging on your ceiling doesn't make me want to finish any sooner. It actually makes me want to leave the vacuum on indefinitely....and I think I'll go take a shower now, too."
Habits, babies, and promises. All are way easier to make than keep
You don't know what you've got until you visit your doctor.
Asking a politician about their stance on an issue is like asking Justin Bieber about his sexuality. You're never going to get a straight answer.
I call it a Hamburger Salad, and I don't see how it's any of your business.
I'm not saying I don't get my fair share of fiber...but it's like trying to push a tennis ball down a Velcro lined tube.
sometimes I want to go outside n scream n come back inside like nothing happen
An Unemployment Registry would make a lot more sense than a Wedding Registry.
It kinda bugs me when people tell me that a book is a "real page turner". I think we all know how books work...
My diet is working.. my underwear WON'T STAY UP!!!
What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites? Male Fraud.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
sometimes I feel like a fire hydrant staring at a pack of dogs.
Free Snowmen outside.......some assembly required
You call it Gray Hair...I call it "Stress Highlights".
the dude, playing the dude, disguised as another dude.
this morning I came to my senses.......I didn't like it....very unfamiliar...very strange......I liked it better not having them....not going back there.
if you follow your heart, you will eventually end up in your chest cavity. 