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When they named Newfoundland, it's like they just weren't even trying. 
My wife said that to make our relationship work, we both need to make sacrifices. I've chosen a goat...
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "an@l" in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
I hope I'm the last guy on earth -- I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. And vodka makes you not remember any of that crap.
Why won't the bank give me my cash in bags with dollar signs on them?.. That'd be cool."
needs to stop listening what people are telling him to do and start focusing on what he really wants in life..... pie!
Local cemetery raises cost of burials, blames "cost of living".
Adding the word "haha" to make the statement not so serious.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called "going commando"? It seems to me it would not be too useful in a combat situation.
singing, "Nah-nah-nah nah. Nah-nah-nah nah. Hey, hey-hey. Goodbye!"
Thinks we should we get MAURY involved to confirm Osama's DNA?!?!
the war on terror will never be won... because they hate us more than they love their children.
i wish it was like the old days when the only thiing I had to worry about was the monster under my bed or which color I wanted to draw a picture
I don't understand you. You don't understand me. What else do we have in common?
I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
MSNBC is reporting that iguanas and other lizards near Japan are showing signs of radioactive saliva during normal excretion. I told you Godzilla was coming didn't I!?
The flea market, but I don't call it the flea market. I break it down into sections. Little Mexico, The Illegal Purse District, Pirated Pathway, and Hot in the Shade.
I'd mind my own business if yours wasn't so damn interesting
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot. 