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I'm only guilty of flirtation. If that's a crime frisk me. 
I'm the kind of dirty you can't wash off.
what do you call a bear with no teeth? a gummy bear
Just one typo and, the next thing you know, you're depending upon the kindness of stranglers.
Jenna Marbles needs to STFU already and do porn
Often times when rappers say "y'all know what this is" I act like I do but deep down I don't
I've looked at trash cans that are more attractive than Nicki Minaj.
No you may not "Axe" me a question, I don't speak Walmart.
sneezing while brushing your teeth is not a good way to start your day...
I wish cake went straight to my Pen!s!!
Whenever I buy a box of condoms I always look the cashier in the eyes and say ''Where's your fitting room?!''
deep in the forest theres a metal box that controls most forest settings. toggle birds, set default leaf size, select season, squirrel ratio
So the Pope walks into a bar........ because now he can.
Dear exes- please try to maintain yourself decently so that I'm not embarrassed when people ask if we dated. I will Deny You
Instead of facebook showing you a list of people you may know maybe it show you a list of people to avoid.
To convince my boss that I'm keeping busy, I periodically yell "YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?" into my phone, then slam down the receiver
Ben Affleck....as Batman? What, couldn't get Betty White?
Ariel Castro found dead in cell. Hell is burning a bit brighter today. Its the feel good story of the day...
we are making money again... markets are going up up up
I'm shallow, insecure, narcissistic, schizophrenic, neurotic, sociopathic, and egocentric. I also have a few bad traits. 