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Ed Hardy gear is the pink flamingo lawn ornament of the fashion world. 
Goal weight: when I wear a speedo, people can actually see the speedo.
Let me see if I've got this right...Women like to dress sexy, but it doesn't mean they want sex? This is but one of the confusing reasons men will never understand you women.
Sorry that we haven't named a new Pope yet. We aren't done with all of the background checks.
I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex, she said she's be having sex with an as*hole for years.
White smoke!!! Great, now we can all go back to bashing Obama and gun control
please tell me what expression I had that made you talk to me so I can change it...
You would be better prepared for the day if each morning, the first thing you do is remind yourself that nobody gives a sh I t.
When you don't wear makeup I feel like I'm cheating on you with your brother.
Theres always is that one plastic cup or Tupperware dish that flips upside in the dishwasher...
Studies conclude that labs cause cancer in rats.
Don't fall in love. Fall into a fire. Its less painful.
Mistakes are very fond of me.
I just sneezed and farted simultaneously while peeing, I think I saw god.
Why can't we just have Shark Month and Black History Week?
This girl I know has a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean.
Ladies, if you love a man, set him free. If he comes back he will be yours forever. If he doesn't, the new chick probably does anil.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called Wedding Cake.
When meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time it's hard not to think to yourself... "I've licked your daughter's nipples."
in a relationship with Jack Daniel's. 